A SPECIAL PLEA FROM CHOPS: Please invite me to your weddings, parties, anything

I am basking in a post-wedding glow after attending the world’s loveliest event on the weekend – that of my dear friend and IMHO Melbourne’s most fabulous and exciting designer-maker-deadset-legend Miss Emily Green and her long-time sidekick Mr T (also a deadset legend).  I mean, just LOOK AT THIS!!!

I ADORE going to weddings. I am forever saying insensitive things to my shacked-up pals about how maybe they should think about putting a ring on it.

Here are some things I love about weddings.


Hands down, the best thing about weddings is that everyone, me included, is in such a great mood. You are celebrating LOVE, people! You don’t get to go to a wedding every day (unless you are MindyChops in 2013, because I am pretty booked) and I love the idea that everyone gets together to celebrate two peeps (hopefully at least one lf whom you are partially fond) being in love. Nawwww.


Parties are great. I am great at parties.

Dress code, adherence thereto

Dressing up is the best. I invested a few dimes in a pretty spectacular outfit for Saturday and loved every second of it, except for the part where I spilled a tiny bit of Taco Truck salsa on my bosom area, because you just can’t take me anywhere and this is why I can’t have nice things.


I am pro d-floor and can be counted upon to be one of the first people braving it out there. If for no other reason, you should invite me to your wedding.

Free refreshments

I’m only human.

Captive audience

Being seated next to somebody random at a wedding means they basically have to listen to your jokes for two hours. If you get seated next to somebody halfway decent (and c’mon, your friends are awesome. They probably have awesome friends. Right? Right?) they may even LAUGH at your jokes or twirl you around the dance floor or introduce you to someone halfway attractive.


My own family are an hilarious confluence of odd but womderful people. I am drawn to others who like the company of their own families. I am forever asking my friends how their parents are going, often being overly familiar by using their parents’ first names EVEN IF we have never met. Getting to meet people’s families at weddings is THE BEST.

If you are my friend and are thinking about getting married anytime soon (or, in fact, ever), I would really appreciate if you would please consider including my name on the guest list.

Up until recently, I was quite staunch in my views that I would never marry. I likened matrimony to strapless dresses: fine for other people and occasionally quite lovely, but I would find putting myself in one both uncomfortable and unflattering.

I had thought that if, at some future point, some unsuspecting fool were to pop the question, I would likely laugh in his poor earnest face. “Please, stand up. You’re embarrassing us both.”

However, I am slowly coming round. I kind of think that if you meet someone wonderful and you adore and respect each other and are lucky enough to have each other and hold each other dear, well, maybe – if you felt like it – you could honour that love and commit to give it a red-hot go and celebrate it by having a big huge fuck-off party. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

Recently, my friend CBT (the C stands for Crazy) came to visit, and I spent a great deal of time making the following impassioned plea.

“I really really really – no shit – want Rod Stewart’s Rhythm of My Heart played at my funeral. I MEAN IT. Please see to it that this is carried out. Mum hates Rod Stewart so she might be against it if I die first, but you must hold your ground. Please.”

More recently I’ve been listening to a bunch of Mark Lanegan and Isobel Campbell (even though I hate Belle and Sebastian with the fire of approx. one thousand suns) and I think this one would also be nice.

I also commented that I really love how everyone respects the dress code at funerals, and there’s limited midriffs or skanky cleavage or what-have-you. All black is very elegant and demure and dignified.

I went on about this for quite some time and CBT said “can we talk about something more pleasant? Like maybe how you would like people to dress for your wedding?”

“I dunno, CBT. A funeral just seems so much more attainable.”

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